Essential Truths
by Keridwen
Summary: I have no excuse for this: The ultimate example of study stress!!!! R


Title: Essential Truths  
  
Author: Keridwen  
  
Disclaimer: I have no excuse for this. I was studying for thirteen hours in a row and listening to Monty Python.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
So one day, Kirk, Spock, and McCoy beamed down to a mysterious and utterly dangerous unknown planet. And the red shirts rejoiced. And had their hams, and jams, and breakfast cereals, and orangutans, and fruit bats. And, well, I digress.  
  
  
  
Anyhoo, so they beamed down to Styrofoamatic - a planet made up of a substance consisting of loosely bonded polymers. Where they met the natives in terrible wigs and GoGo boots and waving palm fronds of a different color.  
  
  
  
"We come in peace,." said Kirk with a wonderful grin. "Who is your ruler."  
  
  
  
"Ruler" said the man at the forefront of the group . . . . . . . . . . You know the one with the worst fitting wig.  
  
"We don't have a ruler.  
  
"Well", said Kirk slightly confused. "Who is the speaker for you group."  
  
  
  
"Ahha," said the man. "You want to speak to our philosopher King!"  
  
  
  
"Isn't that a ruler," asked McCoy.  
  
  
  
"No."  
  
  
  
"Oh, um. . . ok."  
  
  
  
"Would you please explain to us the role of your philosopher King?" said Spock, always one for clarity in every situation.  
  
  
  
"oho! Heee is a wonderful person," screeched the man, causing Kirk and McCoy to flinch and cover their ears. Spock raised an eyebrow.  
  
  
  
"He is the great and almighty PlayDough!!!! He has formed for us the great utopia in which we are free to do anything we want!"  
  
  
  
All of a sudden a woman in practically no clothes ran up and whispered something into the man's ear.  
  
  
  
"Oh I am soo sorry, It seems that our philosopher king has thrown himself out of a rather high window making a rather nasty mess. (pause) You want to go see it?"  
  
  
  
"Um, no thanks," said Kirk, turning a bit green, "Isn't that rather disrespectful of the dead to gawk at their remains?"  
  
  
  
"Naw, it is quite normal, and funny to see little itty bits of people smashed all over the place. It gives one a sense of what is really important in life."  
  
  
  
"What, you mean a lot of people through themselves out of rather high windows here?" gulped the Doctor with revulsion.  
  
  
  
"Of course! It is utopia! What else would one do in a utopia?"  
  
  
  
"Well, asked Kirk, Who is your new ruler?"  
  
  
  
"I am."  
  
  
  
"And what is you name?"  
  
  
  
"Aris-Tuttle."  
  
  
  
"Ooookaay. Would you mind if we explored you planet a bit. Catalogue some information?"  
  
  
  
"Not at all, just avoid the Fartens. They are a brutish lot. Always declaring war and stuff. If you aren't careful, they will suck you into their way of life and comb your hair."  
  
  
  
"Jim, lets beam back up, this is pretty ridiculous, even for us." Suggested Doctor McCoy.  
  
  
  
"Um, we can't Bones. We still have to come across and essential truth."  
  
  
  
"A what?"  
  
  
  
"Remember? Every time we beam down to a new planet we have to discover an essential truth about the human race. I don't see any essential truths around here. Do you?"  
  
  
  
The Doctor just shook his head.  
  
  
  
"Ok then, the moment one of you roaring geniuses finds some essential truth, we can beam back up. Until then, let us explore."  
  
  
  
So they set off.  
  
  
  
(insert music from Monty Python and the quest for the Holy Grail)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
So off the three heroes went, until they found a huge castle. Thinking that such an impressive structure would have some essential truths in it, they walked closer to the ramparts and looked up.  
  
A smallish weasel faced man was looking down at them.  
  
  
  
  
  
Hello?  
  
  
  
Allo? Whoo ez it!  
  
  
  
I am Captain Kirk of the Starship Enterprise, we are in search for essential truths, tell your master that if he gives us food and drink and a place to stay for the night, we will share our truth with him.  
  
  
  
Well, I will tell him, but I don not thin he will like that deal too much, you see, he has already got one.  
  
  
  
Already got one  
  
  
  
Yes  
  
  
  
He has already got an essential truth?  
  
  
  
Yes, that is what I said.  
  
  
  
Well, what it is.  
  
  
  
Promise not to tell?  
  
  
  
Kirk looked as Bones and Spock.  
  
  
  
We promise.  
  
  
  
(pause)  
  
  
  
  
  
Ze Whole world ez on CRACK!  
  
  
  
What! That is your essential truth?  
  
  
  
Yes it is, do you like it?  
  
  
  
You on crack!  
  
  
  
See! See! We are all on crack! Wee! Wahahahahaha. . . (splat)  
  
  
  
Jim, that weaselish man just threw himself off the tower! Exclaimed the good doctor.  
  
  
  
Just keep walking Bones. Just Keeeeeep Walking.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
As happens with all Star Trek landing parties, eventually something goes wrong. This time is was Spock. Some of the natives thought it might be rather funny to tell him that the monolith at the center of town, from which they broadcasted all their TV stations, was the pillar of logic, and all one had to do was touch it to become all logical. Being the brave and curious little Vulcan he is, Spock just had to go and touch the monolith, getting himself captured in the process. Admittedly this was a bit out of character for our brave Vulcan hero, but I have not yet had time to comment of the effect of Styrofoam gas on Vulcan biology.  
  
  
  
In the end one realizes that the little weaselish face man was right before he plummeted to his death, at least in the case of Spock. The whole world was on crack.  
  
  
  
Hence we have found our heroes standing out side of a crowd in the town square that has Spock hoisted up high for everyone to gawk at. They are very curious about his ears and they seem to have some to a very interesting and predictable conclusion.  
  
  
  
"HE'S A WITCH!!! BURN HIM BURN HIM BURN HIM!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
  
  
(Kirk: disguised as native Judge steps forward and tries to save his first officer: who is singing the Philosophers Beer drinking song ) *  
  
  
  
Kirk: what is the disturbance here?  
  
  
  
Natives: HE'S A WITCH A WITCH!!!  
  
  
  
Kirk: oh really? How do you know this?  
  
  
  
Native 1: HE HAS FUNNY EARS!  
  
  
  
Spock: (in an off key warble) "There is nothing in nature that could teach you about the rasing of the wrist! Socrates himself was permanently pissed!!!!"  
  
  
  
Kirk: Oh shut up Spock! You are not helping! (to the natives) What else.  
  
  
  
Native 2: Well, He turned me into a Styrofoam rock!  
  
  
  
Kirk: No, that was not him, that was a nasty alien from another galaxy in the last episode.  
  
  
  
Native 2: He did! I swear!  
  
  
  
Kirk: (looks as the normal appearance of Native 2)  
  
  
  
Native 2: Well (pause) I got better!  
  
  
  
Kirk: Well, What do we do with witches?  
  
  
  
Natives: BURN THEM! BURN THEM!  
  
  
  
  
  
Kirk: Yes, and what also burns?  
  
  
  
PAUSE  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Native 5: The core of a matter anti matter could be said to burn in some respects of physics.  
  
  
  
(NATIVE 5 is beaten to death by all the other Natives for being a heretic, and for cutting in front of Native 3 in speaking order)  
  
  
  
Native 3: Styrofoam burns!  
  
  
  
Kirk: ok, whatever.. And what does Styrofoam do?  
  
  
  
Native 4: It makes a funny feeling in my tummy  
  
  
  
Spock: Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle..  
  
  
  
Native 6: you can build thing out of it!  
  
  
  
Spock: and rummy Descartes was a drunken fart!  
  
Kirk: Spock! SHUTUP!  
  
  
  
Spock: I drink therefore I am!  
  
  
  
Kirk: ok, you can burn the witch  
  
  
  
NATIVES: YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!  
  
  
  
The natives free Spock from his cage but do not count on his Vulcan strength. He nerve pinched the whole lot and runs into the wood screaming how he is going to discover his inner Vulcan at Emerson's Walden Pond.  
  
  
  
Kirk and Bones follow, still looking for an essential truth.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
How many essential truths did you the audience find?  
  
  
  
* Philosopher's beer drinking song from Monty Python 


End file.
